Talkin' Candy Bar Blues

spoken story with guitar accompaniment)
Bought a candy bar the other day,
only ate half, s'gonna throw the rest away
when I saw this kid playin' in the street,
I said ";Hey kid, you want somethin' to eat?";
he said ";Whut?";
I said ";Candy, son."; He said ";HELP!";
Then he started to run,
and I stood there,
watchin' him go,
half a bar of chocolate
runnin' down my fingers.

Well the kid comes back in a minute or two
but his mom's with him and the neighbors too,
and they got the kid scared it's plain to see,
they say ";Which one done it?"; he points at me.
He says ";Him";. I say ";What do you mean?";
He says ";YOU!"; then he starts to scream,
and I'm standin', everybody's lookin',
everybody's starin' -at me- ... (nervous laugh)

";Howdy doody...y'all waitin' for the bus?
Ah ... a little late isn't it ... anybody got a watch? ...
we could uh see how late it is ...
I got a better idea, let's find somebody with a watch
and stare at him!";

Well some start pickin' up baseball bats
and the others are pullin' the pins from their hats -
";I think this thing's gone a little too far,
hell, I only offered him a CANDY BAR!"; I said ";WAIT!";
I said ";What are you doin'?";
They said ";PRE-VERT the kid's life is ruined!";
";Oh...oh well then you better check what he's chewin'
cause I got the feelin'
he's in the middle of a bubble gum orgy!";

Well they're comin' at me and I'm backin' away
and then I hear this policeman say
";Are you positive he's the right man?";
(I quick flicked the candy bar out of my hand).